


Recovery

by cynicalwish



Category: Bandersnatch - Fandom, Black Mirror
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-03 17:17:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17288213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynicalwish/pseuds/cynicalwish
Summary: The happy ending Stefan deserved.





	1. Nightmare

Stefan blamed his dark circles on genetics. Deep down he knew that they got worse when the depth of the night fell upon him as he slept. Only one thing weighed on his subconscious. A golden hue tinted his vision and he shrunk back into the body he once possessed. The memory haunted him in the form of a warm, hazy dream. It comforted him like he wished his mother would once more, before chewing him and disposing of him like everything else in his shitty life. He inched closer to his teddy bear every time he dreamt, but he never managed to get further than that. He never got to save her. Not in reality or in his dream, which quickly becomes a nightmare whenever he hears the sound of a vehicle and a scream, waking up soon afterwards in tears, screaming "MUM!"

"Dr Haynes reckons it's because I feel responsible for what happened to her and the unresolved trauma is trying to work itself out. It's my brain trying to find closure." He sighed as his explanation came to a close and glanced at his dad, meeting his gaze for the first time in a long time. He saw brokenness in his eyes and Stefan could relate to that. 

"I'm sorry, Stefan. If I had just let you keep the teddy bear then maybe it wo--"

"No, dad. Don't blame yourself. I still feel guilt as well, but what if it was was no one's fault? None of us could have known. I was her innocent child who just wanted to find his teddy. You were in love with her. Why would either of us have ever done anything to hurt her? She didn't know and neither did we. It sucks to say this, but it might have ended that way no matter what." He tried to fight back tears as the words spilt out of his mouth. The liberation of beginning to forgive himself as well as the painful reality of his mother's fate was looming over him. His dad noticed his distress and approached him, enveloping him in a hug. This embrace was, surprisingly, accepted graciously by Stefan. 

After years of icy glares and awkward silences, the tension was beginning to melt after the long overdue heart to heart. Talking openly about what the pair had bottled up like a taboo had caused them to warm to each other's perspectives and finally realise that they had been blaming themselves, not each other. Healing and diminishing the guilt was going to require much more time, therapy and talking. That did not detract from the fact that they had made a huge stride by sitting, talking and forgiving each other.

"I lost her and I have so many regrets. I couldn't stand to lose you and feel that way again."

"You're right, Stefan. I'm glad you're speaking up. Maybe we can continue this conversation after breakfast. We're all out of frosties and sugar puffs. Would you like some cocoa pops instead?" Stefan nodded.

"Thanks, dad." He suddenly remembered the pills lying about in the bathroom, waiting for him to take them. He got up and walked to the bathroom, grabbing the appropriate medication and swallowing. He attempted to dry swallow, but it left a horrible taste in his mouth which prompted him to drink some water afterwards. He laughed at his stupid decisions, because after all they were his stupid decisions and no one else's. He had to remind himself of that occasionally and sometimes the feelings would come back harder than ever. 

"Not today," he muttered.

He walked downstairs and smiled gratefully at his dad, taking the cocoa pops from him. He turned the tv on, seeing a review of the same game that had fucked him up so badly beforehand. 

"So, what are your thoughts on the christmas release?"

"Bandersnatch is a delightful game with excellent graphics and fascinating choices that really brings up the question of free will. The backstory of Stefan Butler, the creator, is truly fascinating too. His brush with insanity never ended up being severe, but clearly the madness prompted some incredible art in the form of this game. A solid 5/5." 

"Well done, Stefan!" His dad congratulated him. He was just as excited as Stefan himself.

He understood what Colin had meant by the "hole." He really did need the madness and mental retreat in order to fuel the creative process, but he had never been so glad to say goodbye to something. Having it released was a relief. He was proud of what he had created, who he had met and how far he had come, but now it was time to regain stability. 

Don't get me wrong, reader. Stefan Butler is not going to give up on creating. He simply needs a break for a while.

He had fallen into a routine and navigated his struggles, finally seeing the light of the end of the tunnel he had scrambled through to find freedom. Things were finally fitting together and making sense. 

"That drug trip really made me lose it," he murmured to himself with a giggle.

"What's wrong? Is it the delusions again?" He shook his head at his dad. 

"I think I need to find Colin. I have something to thank him for."

Before he even received a response, he rushed out of the door. Each step he took left him more eager to arrive at his door. He remembered staring out of his window, looking up at the bright shooting star that night and wishing to meet Colin to tell him how he admired his work. Here he was, walking to his house like it was no big deal. 

"Colin," he called out and knocked the door. He was impatient, so he knocked several more times. 

"Come on in," he offered when he finally answered. Stefan's smile had never been wider. He obliged and followed after him. He wasn't in a state of existential panic this time. He figured it was a good thing. 

"I think we should talk."

 


	2. Daydream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin and Stefan meet for the first time after Stefan's steps towards getting better.

In true Colin fashion, he simply waited for Stefan to speak. He gestured for him to continue, observing him with quiet contemplation on his face. It made Stefan feel instantly at home, despite the amount of time that had passed since they last spoke.   
"You probably want to know what the hell I'm here to talk about. That was dumb, of course you are. I guess I just missed talking to you. I was so wrapped up in the fucking game that I was losing my mind and not paying attention to anything. Now that it has five stars and it's over with, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do more than to come and see you." He stopped right there and tried to fight back a grimace. "Wow, that was incredibly awkward."  
Colin was usually a master of keeping a straight face, but Stefan's rambling was so typical of him and quite cute. He knew his quirky way of communicating could be intimidating, but he liked being unreadable. In this instance, a small smile began to form. He was distracted until Stefan continued speaking, visibly more comfortable now. Colin continued paying close attention.  
"So, I've been talking to Dr Haynes and taking my pills recently. My dad and I had a breakthrough recently and all of that alongside the game means things have really started to look up. I'm hoping it doesn't go back to how it was. For the first time, it feels like I might be gaining control again. Like I'm out of the hole." He paused, looking down at the ground with a smile. The words were so refreshing to say, but thinking them could not compare to hearing himself say them.   
"That's great, Stefan. I'm really proud of you. I was worried, if I'm honest. In fact, I was going to come around." This caught Stefan off guard. He cared that much about him?   
"Really?" Suddenly, he had a flashback of the time where he could have sworn he had killed him. He turned pale and tried to shake it off.   
"Yeah, are you sure you're alright? You look a little bit ill."  
"I'm fine, thank you. Sorry for worrying you." He was genuinely remorseful. "I'm glad you didn't put yourself through the trouble, honestly. It's nice to be back around you and without the pressure. Enough about me, though. What have you been up to?"  
"The usual. Keeping my little legacy company, working on some new stuff. Nothing interesting, really."  
"Everything you do is interesting. You have a unique way of looking at things. Or is it the drugs?" He said with a chuckle.  
"Probably the drugs," Colin shrugged with a grin.   
He would never act on it, but sometimes Stefan really wanted to pull Colin in for a kiss. He was convinced it wasn't anything more than a weird urge, the man had a child and partner for Christ's sake, but it became increasingly obtrusive the more he thought about it. He often wondered if Colin felt the same urge, but he wasn't going to ask and make things weird. Besides, he wasn't egocentric enough to think anyone would want to get anywhere close to him. He was a scrawny, "looks like he hasn't slept in months" kind of boy that had only recently started to become stable and it didn't help that all of this combined made him look like he was going to drop dead any second. He shrugged the thought off, assuming he was simply getting attached to one of the only people he felt he might not lose and one of the only people who seemed to care about him.   
"Loosen up, you've got so much to celebrate. You look so caught up in your own head."   
"I was just thinking about something stupid, that's all." He seemed sure of himself, but Colin wasn't buying it.   
"What might that be?   
"Never mind, it doesn't really matter."  
"Of course it does, your thoughts are part of you, Stefan."   
"It doesn't surprise me that you would say that."   
"Spill. I'm not judging."  
"Okay. I was wondering what might happen if I...if I kissed you. It's nothing weird, I promise. I don't fancy you or anything like that. It was just a random thing that came to mind. I know you wouldn't dream of it." He didn't know what else to say. He was flustered and bewildered and also a shit liar if you couldn't already tell.  
"Only one way to find out." Colin seemed completely unfazed by the whole ordeal.   
"What?"  
"There is only one way of knowing what the outcome would be. Not saying it would be the wisest thing to do, but neither of us are the type to think about consequences."  
"Are you high, Colin?"  
"I'm on the ground floor of the house, Stefan." For a moment, Stefan was dumbstruck. "Messing with you, dude. I'm not. I've had too much work to bother recently."  
Stefan nodded, taking a deep breath in to compose himself. He remembered the feeling of the world turning to jello in his hands and all sorts of mystical sights revealing themselves, but put the memory aside. Drugs were not a good idea, he concluded.   
"What are you waiting for?"   
At this point, Stefan had noticed that his dreams were strikingly parallel to some of the things happening in reality. They were nowhere near as pleasant, of course, but did Colin always do this? First, he strolled around Stefan's home looking for something to kill him and accepted his mortality without a care in the world and now here he was, treating this kiss like an inevitability.   
"What abou-"  
"Screw the what ifs."   
"You actually want this?"  
Colin nodded.   
Having a choice in something this big was new for Stefan, but sometimes new really does mean exciting. His curiosities were about to vanish as the wondering came to a close. He pulled Colin in for what could only be described as a euphoric kiss.  
Neither of them knew what would come of this, but that was the fun of being free to choose what you do. Fate was theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this didn't seem too sudden. I'm thinking of leaving it here and I would love to know your thoughts about that or anything related to the story really. Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Stefan deserved happiness and I usually don't do fluff, but the angst can take a backseat. I'm tired, so I haven't fleshed out Colin and Stefan's relationship yet. Should I bother with continuing and make #gameboys a thing?  
> Also, feel free to comment. I think I'm kinda nice sometimes and hearing from you makes me happy. (:


End file.
